Recollections
by Believe4Ever
Summary: I imagine John Watson thinks love is a mystery to me. I understand why he would think as much. Everyone else does. But in reality I know what it is and I am very aware of what it can do. How it can warp the minds of those it affects. That's why I thought being alone would protect me.


I hope you will enjoy this story. Obvious spoilers for Reichenbach. Please enjoy and reviews are greatly appreciated.

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**I stood tall and gazed at the world before me. The world I had always found so puny and boring and insignificant. The people I had scoffed at day after day. And the person that mattered most to me.**

**I imagine John Watson thinks love is a mystery to me. I understand why he would think as much. Everyone else does. But in reality I know what it is and I am very aware of what it can do. How it can warp the minds of those it affects.**

**That's why I thought being alone would protect me.**

_He had lied to me._

_I didn't know why, but I did know that it wasn't good. My phone rang out into the silent air and drew me into the reality of the world._

**"An apology."**

**I had to. I couldn't let this proceed without one. I was sorry. Sorry I had dragged you into this. Sorry you had to be here now. Sorry for what you were about to go through.**

**Sorry you had met me at all.**

_It's not true._

_You kept insisting that the papers were right. That Moriarty was simply an invention. Creator and creation. But I couldn't believe what you were saying. I just couldn't. _

**Tell everyone. Please. Just tell everyone so they all know. Let the pain never surface. Don't feel sorry for a loss such as me. This is a life for lives. It's simply equivalent exchange.**

**An exchange not so equivalent.**

**What is my life, one in which I am a freak, and hated, and generally a prat, to be sacrificed in order to save the kind natured land lady, the strong-as-stone inspector, and the nerves-of-steel soldier such as yourself?**

**Don't mourn when I'm gone.**

_"The first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right?"_

_You still denied it. But it's not right. You were my flat mate, the bloody idiot who would risk anything to prove you were clever._

_"You could."_

**You wouldn't give up. But that's what I admired about you. Ever loyal. The soldier who was always there for everyone. For me.**

**You made my life a happy one.**

**"You look sad, when you think he can't see you." That's what she had said. At the time I had simply ignored her, but she was right. She was always right.**

**Please let go. Heroes don't exist, remember? Quit making me out to be one when I'm not. I'm just protecting you.**

_Friends protect people._

_So why won't you let me protect you now?_

**I've got this sentimental heart that beats . . .**

**This unpayable debt that I owe you . . .**

**And this choking feeling as I kept an arm extended. How desperately I wanted you to take my hand tonight, just to show me it was not all going to hell.**

_Just get down!_

**There's just one solution as I'd wish you'd realized. But sometimes solutions aren't so simple.**

**I could barely utter my farewell without the cracking of my voice. To say goodbye is to die a little.**

_Don't. I don't want you to fall . . ._

**I close my eyes . . . I feel my body tip forward . . . Your voice forgotten as my body sails through the air.**

_Little bird, why won't you fly away . . .?_

**All things that have been born were born with a very simple purpose, and that purpose is to die. There is only liberty in death.**

_Why won't you understand? We both go together, if one falls down. Yet you forced me to watch your body tumble further and further . . ._

**And so it is, very sincerely yours—**

_Gone._

_You're gone. I tried to get to you and found myself on the ground, right along with you. I fall with you. And then I saw you lying there and I was still unable to reach you._

_Did you know how frail you looked? The weakness you showed? The sadness that filled with the thought of you never to see the stars again . . ._

_And the thought that I was alone once again._

_People asked me. The therapist, the forensic scientist and his mistress, my sister. All the same question:_

_Why did I insist on leaning on a man I knew was falling?_

_Because I was alone. I needed someone to help me. to be there for me. And to allow me to be there for them._

_And there's no tragedy in that._

_Yet you told me. Time and time again, how you had told me. How people don't really go to heaven when they die. How you weren't a hero._

_Then sometimes I wish I had known in the first moment we met._

**You look so depressed, now. So broken. I asked for you to forget about me, and yet you insisted on clinging. There's that lifelong loyalty of yours, getting in the way of your happiness, again. All because of me.**

**I wish you could understand why I did it. it was for love. Because I was broken. Because I was as alone and damaged as you were. As you are.**

**Because I'm only human.**

**My only wish is that if I ever return, if we ever meet again, if you ever decide to forgive me . . . My only wish is that you'd understand.**

**I ran away to save your life.**


End file.
